Gossip: Stealth Weapon of the Enemy

When it comes to stopping a fight, some of the most skilled members of our society in that area are bartenders. You see bartenders know what every church leader needs to know to be successful in church ministry at conflict management: A fights never starts inside the bar; bar room fights start long before they enter. And the best thing you can do to prevent the fight is to throw both of them out before the fight breaks out. Now you can't just throw one out, you have to throw both of them out. See if you just throw one of them out, well, then one will come back later with his feelings hurt, and the other one will get proud and you will have an even bigger problem. But if you throw both of them out, they will only have each other to talk to, and they might come back in later together as friends, and buy more drinks. That's "conflict management 101" from your friendly neighborhood bartender.

Conflicts in the church are no different. "Fights" don't start there, they start somewhere else, they start in the heart. And just like bar room fights, they don't start with fists, they start with words. So what does the Bible say about our tongue? It says it is "full of deadly poison" and "set on fire by hell" [James 3:8; 3:6] and "no man can tame the tongue" [James 3:8]. The tongue is such a small part of the body, but it is able to have a tremendous impact on church life. And if all we had were those statements, we would still see the massive importance of self-control of the tongue, but Scripture is very specific when it comes to the tongue and gossip. Consider the following: Commit adultery in a church and you get four warnings to repent according to Matthew 18, but if you gossip, you are to be rejected after the first and second warning according to Titus 3:10-11:

^10 Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, ^11 knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned.

What is of considerable concern is how common the sin of gossip is among most churches today. Consider the contrast of how most churches deal with the two sins mentioned above. At the first hint of adultery, we convene a counsel of the church elders or deacons to begin "Spiritual Discipline," but for gossip? Sweep it under the rug; it's so common we don't even worry about it. Here is what the 17th Century Theologian Richard Baxter had to say about gossip:

"The sin of receiving and spreading false reports of others upon hearsay, is now so common among those that do profess sobriety and religion, that all men should take heed of it in all company, as they would do of the plague in an infectious time. And now it is so notorious that false news and slanders of others are so common, neither good men's words, nor common fame, will allow you (or excuse you) to believe or report any evil of another, till you are able to prove that it is your duty; but all Christians should join in lamenting and reproving this common uncharitable sin."
-- The Practical Works of Richard Baxter, p. 361 [emphasis mine]

This act perpetrated by the tongue must be dealt with, it must be handled in an orderly and regulative way within the church. If we leave it and ignore it, it will hollow out our churches, rob them of their love, and present to the world an image not of Christ, but of the deceiver.

So we can understand what we are dealing with, the sin of "gossip" should be defined.
The word "gossip" or "slanderer" is mentioned 56 times in the Bible. These two words are used interchangeably when talking about "gossip." Another common word used in many translations is "talebearer". Proverbs 20:19 (NKJV) provides the following insights:

¹⁹ He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets;
Therefore do not associate with one who flatters with his lips. [NKJV]

A "gossip" or "talebearer" is one who reveals secrets. Notice it does not say if the secrets are true or false. Even revealing true secrets can still make one a "talebearer" or a "gossip"

Consider the words of Proverbs 26:20-23

²⁰ Where there is no wood, the fire goes out;
And where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.

²¹ As charcoal is to burning coals, and wood to fire,
So is a contentious man to kindle strife.

²² The words of a talebearer are like tasty trifles,
And they go down into the inmost body.

²³ Fervent lips with a wicked heart
Are like earthenware covered with silver dross.

The "talebearer" is the one who "kindles strife" and where there is no "talebearer, strife ceases".
Also notice that the "words of a talebearer are like tasty trifles...they go down into the inmost body." This is talking about the impact that the "tales" have on the listener of the "tale." In the case of a "talebearer" the tales told have a permanent impact on the listener, forever damaging the conscience of one person against another. What a tragedy to think that we can destroy relationships and friendships by simply telling tales to another. We overlook this sin too much in the church, ignoring it at our own peril.

Listen to what David writes in Psalms 15:1-3:

¹ Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle?
Who may dwell in Your holy hill?
² He who walks uprightly,
And works righteousness,
And speaks the truth in his heart; ³ He who does not backbite with his tongue,
Nor does evil to his neighbor,
Nor does he take up a reproach against his friend;

In this Psalm, David is writing regarding who is allowed to abide in the tabernacle of the Lord. David indicates that the "backbiter" or "gossip" is excluded from the company of the Lord in His tabernacle. Could some of the strife and turmoil that exists within our churches be caused by the allowance of "backbiters" in our midst? Could we be excluding ourselves from the "tabernacle of the Lord" by our unkind words and reproaches against a friend?

But truly the most condemning words against the "gossip" come in Proverbs 6:16-19:

¹⁶ These six things the Lord hates,
Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
¹⁷ A proud look,
A lying tongue,
Hands that shed innocent blood,
¹⁸ A heart that devises wicked plans,
Feet that are swift in running to evil,
¹⁹ A false witness who speaks lies,
And one who sows discord among brethren.

Of the seven things that are an "abomination to the Lord" each of them condemns the "talebearer". Does the talebearer appear proud? Does the talebearer have a lying tongue? Does the talebearer harm the innocent? Does the talebearer devise wicked plans as they speak? Does the talebearer look for places to spread their tales, as they run swiftly to evil? Does the talebearer speak lies? Does the talebearer sow discord among the brethren? In every case the answer is: Yes! Is it any surprise that when Paul writes to Titus he instructs him to "reject the divisive man after the first and second admonition?" It should not be, but in our churches today, gossip is as Richard Baxter said in the 17th century: an "uncharitable common sin." This ought not to be!

Peter writes of it this way, quoting Psalm 34:

^8 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; ^9 not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. ^10 For

He who would love life
And see good days,
Let him refrain his tongue from evil,
And his lips from speaking deceit.
¹¹ Let him turn away from evil and do good;
Let him seek peace and pursue it.
¹² For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their prayers;
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

There are a number of observations we can make concerning Peter's words concerning "gossip" and "evil speech"

First, we are not to return the reviling (or backbiting) of another with our own version of the same, but are to return it with blessings. Is this not what Christ has done for us?
Second, if we want to "love life" and "see good days" we must refrain from evil speech, turning from evil and doing good.
Third, when we engage in "backbiting" or "reviling" the "face of the Lord" is against us. Who would choose to have the face of the Lord against them? Instead, we should seek and pursue peace, so the "eyes of the Lord" can be upon us as righteous and "His ears [be] open to [our] prayers."

We can now see how damaging gossip is, we can see what an abomination it is to the Lord. We can see how it can destroy a local church, divide the brethren, do permanent damage to a reputation, hollow out a body of believers. Gossip is the opposite of compassion, love, brotherhood, tenderheartedness, courtesy and the blessing we are called to. Gossip is the stealth weapon of the enemy. It is how Satan deceived Eve to destroy her relationship with God and if you let him, is how he will destroy you and all the relationships around you.

There are five ways that gossip is often disguised, ways that we allow the deceiver to put ourselves in a position where the "face of God is against us", where because of our tongue, we can become an enemy of God as we do evil.

1. As seeking counsel. There are times when we must seek counsel about the sin or offense of another, but we must be extremely careful that we interact not out of pretense, but out of edification of the other member and out of love. Otherwise we not only place ourselves at risk, but we do undo harm to the other.
2. As a prayer request. For some reason, we think that a prayer can only be effective when it is shared corporately, but that is not true. Individual prayer is effective as well.
   
3. As bearing one another's burdens. It is not bearing another's burden to share their sins with another; that is tale bearing and divisive. Here again, we must be aware of the way the enemy would like to use our words to harm and destroy. There may be cases where we can bear another's burden by sharing with another, but those should be by far the exception, not the rule.
4. As sharing a concern or godly sorrow. As above, we must be careful when we share the sins of one brother with another. If God has seen fit to allow us to be aware of the sin of a brother, it is for us to go to that brother to build them up or restore them, it is not to tear down their reputation with another brother. We bring defilement and strife into the body of Christ when we gossip under the pretense of "concern" or "godly sorrow."
5. As speaking the truth. For those that are forthright and bold, this is the most difficult area to navigate. There are times when we must call evil for what it is, but there are also orderly and regulative ways we are to interact with brothers in Christ regarding that evil. Matthew 18 must be followed, meaning we must go to the individual secretly and privately first before we involve another. In addition, before we go with another, we should not prejudice our "witness" with back biting words before we go to the offender a second time. They are to bear witness themselves, not merely repeat our back biting words. We must speak the truth out of love, not under pretense or with an ulterior motive that will rob our words of their truth and fill them with lies and poison. The goal of speaking truth must always be to restore, not to destroy.
   

Now that we are aware of what gossip is, what the Scripture has to say about it, and how it can hide, what are we to do when we see it?

There are two sides to the sin of gossip: the speaker, and the listener.
As the speaker, the matter is simple: When in doubt, don't say anything. Or as your mother used to say: "If you can't say anything nice about someone, don't say anything at all. In addition, when someone approaches you and says "What happened?" do not take that to mean you have sin-free reign to proceed with an unbridled tongue and let loose with all the gory details. If someone offends you, go to them secretly and privately. An offense by a brother is not cause to convene a meeting of the elders or your Sunday School leadership. Go to them privately and secretly first, then with one or two witnesses. Only after you have approached them twice do you have cause to go to the leadership of your church for assistance in restoring a brother or sister.

As the listener, the matter is a bit more complicated, but you must never let gossip go unchallenged, not even one time. Richard Baxter said the following:

"Backbiting teacheth others to backbite. Your example inviteth them to do the like. And sins which are common are easily swallowed and hardly repented of. Men think that the commonness justifieth or extenuatith the fault."

In translation, Richard Baxter is saying: "the sin of gossip is so common we think we should just keep doing it." As we know, we cannot continue in a sin that is so devastating to the body of Christ. It must be rooted out and circumcised from our hearts and from our members.
Proverbs 17:4 provides additional insight into the "listening" side of the sin of gossip:

⁴ An evildoer gives heed to false lips;
A liar listens eagerly to a spiteful tongue.

According to Proverbs, being a "listener" of gossip makes you an "evildoer" and a "liar" We are deceiving ourselves if we think we can listen to gossip and have it not affect us.
So how should we respond when in the course of conversation, we start to see the first signs of gossip come across the lips of another? Scott Brown provides four different approaches to responding, although there are likely others. They are as follows:

1. The Sensitive Approach. "You know, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with this conversation."
   
2. The Reflective Approach. "You know, if so and so knew we were talking about them like this, it would hurt them pretty bad, don't you think?"
   
3. The Matthew 18 Approach. "Have you gone to speak to them privately about this?" With the follow-up being: "If you haven't then I absolutely should not hear about this."
   
4. The Straightforward Approach. "This sounds like gossip to me. Stop it!"
   

Knowing how powerful the tongue can be, knowing that it is "un-tamable" and "set on fire by hell" and "full of deadly poison" we should all equip ourselves with a ready arsenal of ways to nip "gossip" in the bud. For the blessings that we can receive when the body of Christ is free of gossip and backbiting are more than we can image, and are what God plans for His people. Paul writes of the contrast between the two to the church at Ephesus:
^

^29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. ^30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ^31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. ^32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. [Eph 4:29-32]

The church should be the sweetest place of all. The speech should be the most beautiful there, it should be the most like the Lord Jesus Christ: full of grace and truth, love and compassion, tenderhearted and full of brotherly kindness.

We know how the world solves it's offenses; it solves them as the fool, with backbiting, gossip, slander, reviling. But in the body of Christ, while we should not sweep the offenses under the rug or ignore them (for that is not love), we should also not spread them as rumors. We would do well to remember the words of James:

But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. ^15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. ^16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. [James 3:14]

In this passage, James paints a picture of the world, that is "self-seeking" that is full of "bitter envy" that is "sensual, demonic." But those behaviors can also exist in the church, if we are not aware of the dangers of the sin of gossip.

No, in the body of Christ, we must pursue the "wisdom that is from above" that is "first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." [James 3:17-18]

But no study of the destructive sin of gossip would be complete without including Ecclesiastes 7:21-22:

²¹ Also do not take to heart everything people say,
Lest you hear your servant cursing you.
²² For many times, also, your own heart has known
That even you have cursed others.

There will be times that others will gossip about you, backbite about you, perhaps even attempt to destroy you, but when those times occur, remember the wise words of Solomon; don't wear your feelings on your sleeve. In the body of Christ we are called to forgive, not condemn, we are to be full of peace, not of bitterness, we are to model Christ, not the flesh.

Charles H. Spurgeon provided one of the best overviews on gossip and how we should approach it:

Maintain a blind eye and a deaf ear. You cannot stop people's tongues, and therefore the best thing is to stop your own ears and never mind what is spoken. He will find that even those who live with him are not always singing his praises, and that when he has displeased his most faithful servants, they have, in the heat of the moment, spoken fierce words which it would be better for him not to have heard.
The blind eye and the deaf ear will come in exceedingly well in connection with the gossips of the place. Every church, and, for the matter of that, every village and family, is plagued with certain Mrs. Grundys, Who drink tea and talk vitriol. They are never quiet, but buzz around to the great annoyance of those who are devout and practical. No one needs to look far for perpetual motion, he has only to watch their tongues. At tea-meetings, Dorcas meetings, and other gatherings, they practice vivisection upon the characters of their neighbors, and of course they are eager to try their knives upon the minister, the minister’s wife, the minister’s children, the
minister’s wife’s bonnet, the dress of the minister’s daughter, and how many new ribbons she has worn for the last six months, and so on ad infinitum. There are also certain persons who are never so happy as when they are “grieved to the heart” to have to tell the minister that Mr. A. is a snake in the grass, that he is quite mistaken in thinking so well of Misters B and C., and that. they have heard quite “promiscuously” that Mr. D. and his wife are badly matched. Then follows a long string about Mrs. E., who says that she and Mrs. F. overheard Mrs. G. say to Mrs. H. that Mrs. J. should stay and that Mr. K. and Miss L. were going to move from the chapel to hear Mr. M., and all because of what old N. said of young O. about Miss P.
Never listen to such people.

What wonderful words, but the final words he gives in that article provide the true insight:

I have one blind eye and one deaf ear, and they are the best eye and ear that I have!

May each of us consider the power of our tongue, may we each take to heart the sweet words of Scripture. May we each be pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits as we grow in the knowledge of our Saviour and Lord Jesus Christ, one with another as brothers and sisters in Christ.